I haven’t played a game of five-on-five basketball that wasn’t part of an organized group in decades and didn’t play much even back then, but just being an observer reveals that not much has changed where some of the on-court personalities are concerned. I was probably in elementary school when I figured out that earning a living playing basketball wasn’t going to be part of my future, so I wasn’t a willing participant in pickup games that had the potential to be unenjoyable. The competitor in us wants to win, but sometimes we just want a good workout. In either case, whether we stopped playing a long time ago or are still at it, here are some pickup basketball personalities we all know, and might even be in the mirror:
Photo by Louis Francia on Unsplash
THE ANGRY GUY
This is the guy already wearing vertical, horizontal AND diagonal lines in his forehead when he walks on the court. He doesn’t like anyone, no one likes him and no one wants to ball with him. But he’s good, and can’t comprehend why everyone else isn’t as good as he is. And in his eyes, you’ll never do anything right. So he spends the entire game yelling at teammates and arguing with opponents.
Some guys yell to get the most out of you, others do it because they’re afraid of losing time on the court.
This guy is angry because he is.
Funny thing is, you could run into this guy in the supermarket and he’s the most pleasant being in the place. But something about stepping onto a basketball court suddenly brings out the attitude.
He’s not having fun, and if you take him seriously, you won’t have any, either.
THE CHUCKER
Also known in later years as a “Black Hole” because once you pass him the ball, you’d might as well run back on defense right away because you’ll never see it again. This guy will shoot from all angles and distances whether he’s open or has two defenders draped all over him. It doesn’t matter if he’s making a decent percentage of his shots or not.
And you don’t mind so much if he’s making shots because it’ll help your chances of staying on the court.
This guy will keep shooting even if he’s not making any, and a chucker is more of a volume shooter, which is why you’d rather he plays against you. But YOU better not miss, because you’re depriving him of another opportunity to miss, and his 4-for-21 is better than yours. This guy has never met you before, but somehow he already knows he’s better than you.
He’ll be on a two-on-one break with you, the defender will commit to him and he still won’t pass you the ball, even though it’ll result in a layup.
And on that rare occasion where he does pass you the ball, you’d better convert or else you’ll never get the ball from him again. And if you dare complain about him not passing, he’ll gladly remind you of “that time” he passed you the ball and you didn’t score.
THE BASKET-HANGER
This is the guy (also called The Cherry-Picker) who seldom crosses mid-court while his team is on defense, hoping to leak out after a defensive rebound or turnover (that he’ll play no part in causing) to score on a layup. Even if he’s the tallest guy on the team, he’ll start yelling at his teammates if they can’t grab a defensive rebound before the other team scores, even though he’s left his teammates playing four against five.
THE GUY CHOSEN TO PLAY ONLY BECAUSE HE OWNS THE BASKETBALL
Twenty guys wake up on a Saturday morning and head to the court looking for a run, but only one actually brings a basketball. And he just happens to be the worst player out there but he has to play, otherwise he just takes his ball and goes home.
He can shoot four straight airballs and no one will say anything. It’s his basketball.
THE CHEATER
He never fouls anyone. You always foul him. His team always has more points than they really have. The other team always has fewer points than they really have. His four-step layup is legit. Your two-step layup is travelling. He’ll wait to see if his shot goes in before he calls a foul, even if you didn’t foul him.
And I suppose nowadays, your foot was always on the line on a successful three-point shot; his was behind it, even if it wasn’t.
Losing is not an option for this guy, and he’ll do anything to ensure it doesn’t happen.
THE PRODIGY
This is the younger guy good enough to hold his own against guys much older. He won’t say much but has sort of a quiet confidence about him. He can do everything on the court and usually ends up with a cool nickname as the locals predict stardom, and he’ll need to have a strong, level-headed adult presence around him to avoid making bad decisions later.
THE HATCHET
The guy with limited basketball skills, but will throw his body around to make an impact on the game. You want this guy on your team, and he’ll get chosen before a guy with more basketball ability just to avoid getting elbowed in the ribs or getting smacked in the head or knocked down while attempting a layup.
This guy imposed the “no layup” rule without telling anyone, he knows there are no flagrant fouls called in pickup ball, and you can’t foul out.
THE VICTIM
This is the guy who gets unnerved if you inadvertently slap him on the wrist while he’s taking a shot, and will complain all game about how he’s the only guy on the court getting fouled.
As the game progresses, this same guy can probably heard muttering something like, “There’s gonna be a problem out here if they keep fouling me.”
There’s usually some drama if he’s being guarded by The Hatchet.
THE TRASH-TALKER
There’s a clear difference between engaging in some friendly trash-talk with friends and some guy you’ve never seen before stepping on the court, looking you up and down, and deciding he can get away with trying to break you down verbally.
This one has evolved over time to include non-verbal communication such as stare downs (“Get that weak stuff outta here!”), shaking the head (“He can’t guard me!”), and the shoulder shrug (whatever that means).
Back in the day…never mind.
THE FINGER-POINTER
Could also be called The Self-Appointed Player/Coach or The Hypocrite, because from the very beginning this cat will second-guess everything and complain about everyone, starting with the guy who picked the side that will likely lose (“How could you pick a squad like that?”).
All his sentences begin with the word “Y’all” is in, “Y’all need to stop shooting so many jumpers”, and “Y’all need to play some defense.” Meanwhile, he does neither.
And you can forget about hearing the word “we” come out of his mouth. And nothing is his fault.
The guy he’s supposed to be guarding will score most of the other team’s points, but if someone else scores, he’s the first one to yell out, “Whose man is that?”
You’re in for a long day if this is also The Angry Guy and he’s on your team..
THE SCAPEGOAT
This is the guy who’ll get blamed for everything because he was the last player chosen, but this does not apply to the guy who owns the ball. In a case of being preceded by reputation — or lack thereof — other players on the team will assume if something goes wrong, it’s this guys fault, even if it really isn’t.
The Finger-Pointer is usually all over this guy, but knows who he can get away with picking on.
Flashback: I remember having a two-on-one break situation with my team’s version of The Finger-Pointer/Angry Guy. This guy was on my case for the entire game. If I zigged, I should have zagged, and vice-versa. Anyway, I had the ball and the defender committed to me, but I lost control of my dribble but got around him somehow with my horrible ballhandling skills, and my momentum had carried me too far under the basket to make a layup, so I floated a pass to The Finger-Pointer/Angry Guy in a position where he just had to lay the ball up. There was no one near him.
What did he do? Instead of laying the ball up, he just held it and glared at me for about 10 seconds. Then someone from the other team came and took it from him, but it was my fault.
Yeah, it got a little heated after that. It was also an eye-opening moment.
THE TEAM PLAYER
He’ll go largely unnoticed because he’s doing the little things. He looks for open teammates, won’t shoot a lot and is one of the few playing defense. He won’t be the first guy picked because he doesn’t score much. His team will stay on the court by winning, but he’ll get little to no credit.
THE YOUNG, TALL, SKINNY GUY LACKING UPPER-BODY STRENGTH
The lanky guy whose body hasn’t quite filled out yet, but because he’s tall, either the Finger-Pointer or the Angry Guy (who is often the same person) will tell him to get under the basket and grab rebounds. He’ll end up getting boxed out to about twelve feet away from the basket by some guy built like a safe, and he’ll get overpowered when trying to defend and score as well.
If he gets his shot blocked by a shorter player or gets boxed out, he’ll be reminded several times during a game — by The Finger-Pointer — that he needs upper body strength, as if repeating it will make it happen right away.
And this guy had better not take any long-distance shots, either.
I remember being this guy as a teenager at 6’3″. Now I’m watching seven-footers shoot three-pointers. And getting paid for it.
THE ANKLE-BREAKER WHO CAN’T SCORE
This guy will play to the crowd — even if it only consists of the other players — by dribbling on one place and throwing some head fakes and doing some illegal dribbles trying to make the defender reach or lean while four teammates stand around watching. He doesn’t have a jumper, so even if he ends up embarrassing the defender with his dribble, he’ll get to the basket and miss the layup.
But he goes home happy if he gets a positive reaction for “breaking an ankle.”
THE SHOOTER
This is the guy who gets defenders in the most trouble with his teammates, because he’s the least likely to try to score off the dribble and he’ll have difficulty scoring when guarded. He finds his favorite spot on the court, and will hit long-distance shots all day if left open (and someone actually passes him the ball).
So, of course, if you’re the poor soul who has to chase this guy around on defense, you’d better not lose sight of him because if he does score, you will feel the daggers from your teammates going right through you.
THE GUY WHO EVIDENTLY HELD A PRACTICE BUT NO ONE SHOWED UP
I saw this happen more than once with different people. Pickup basketball. A bunch of guys thrown together for a five-on-five game. We’re running up and down, and on one offensive trip the self-elected point guard is handling the ball at the top of the circle and, apparently frustrated at not finding anyone open, yells out, “Yo, SET UP!!”
So I’m thinking to myself, “Set up what? We didn’t have a practice or anything. We don’t have set plays. IT’S A PICKUP GAME!!”
So I instinctively ran to the opposite corner to space the floor a bit, trying to hold in a laugh all the while. Later that day one of the other guys playing calls me on the phone and asks, “What did that guy mean when he said ‘set up’?
We both got a good chuckle out of it, but later that summer it happened again with a different guy. An unsolved mystery.
Basketball is a great game. I get the intensity when there’s something at stake, but if there are kids involved or no one’s wearing uniforms, we just try to enjoy ourselves.
It’s just basketball.
